Wink Clothing x Mademoisellerika Giveaway Winner:

MLA Rodrigo | elleonelle@gmail.com

Please contact and send your shipping info to wink_clothing@yahoo.com

Thank you and Congrats! =)

I’ll let you use my lopsided barbells of heavy tragedy as addends to your equation of superiority. I’ll let you walk over my footprints on the sands of time, and claim my actions that you hoggishly always mime. I’ll let you break me inside bone by bone wholly and your figure to multiply the weights all my life I’ve been trying to carry. I’ll let your feather in caps silence mine and upon my insecurities you many cannily dine. I’ll let you use me as a less traveled byway, and you can act like you’re but the prey. And my zigzagged traces of agony can be your way of provoking amnesty. Then after you’ve done everything, and after I’m nothing, you can take a look at my cup of care that’s, right from the start, empty.

Something different. Not the usual cheery big smile. This does not suit me at all. Okay, thanks, and bye. 

All but a rave from things deep within, some posts would require just little of the futile efforts we give. So effortless even that when we write it down, it would appear as though the words would roll out of our mouths without restraint of any form or kind. This said and though I would prefer saying otherwise, this is one of the hard ones; the ones I can never finish, the ones that would force me to doubt and genuflect upon the indefinite writer in me or needless to say, the imaginary, nonexistent skills I have. Originally, this was supposed to be a post about who I really am, the Erika behind mademoiselle. But I can not bring myself to do a post I don’t have the words for. Ladies and Gentlemen, for this ordeal and, I, at my defense, am both frustrated and flustered at the loss of words that I somehow can’t summon out of me to describe myself. It makes me think how far of a path I can walk through as a writer. This never disturbed me though, I never intended to follow this route until the very end. There would be a time I would eventually take a u-turn to the highway in which I will find myself lost among a thousand paths beyond the one I’m in. And even if I did, I would have started a dirt road of my own where a dirty gravel parking lot was supposed to be. I would have ran where I was supposed to stop and park. It would have been just the beginning where it was supposed to end. Proven difficult though without awareness, it would be nothing if and only if it becomes my dream. The unsettling thing about my little mishap were the realizations that came after that. It is possible that there are words that just can’t visualize thyself though what’s there to find when there’s nothing there? I can’t look for the words because I don’t know what the words seem like. It’s baffling how I can’t describe myself accurately or vaguely even. There are the usuals; the personal aspects, the one everyone can point out. Those are the shallow things. I want to be able to describe myself in a deeper form, like Agape against Eros. Why not though? Because I don’t know myself enough. That’s why. I hope you understand my reticence and my sudden change of writing style. I’m bored. This is the first time I woke up early and my dashboard is as slow as the traffic in Manila.

Out takes from the 1st Collection of Wink: 1st outfit. Visit the shop here. 

Sabi nila magpakatotoo daw ako, ipakita ko daw kung sino talaga ako at wag ko daw ito ikahiya. So guys, magpapakatotoo na ako. Pusa talaga ako. Goodnight.

Here’s to us; the unappreciated.

This is the first time that I blog about it not because this is the first time I’ve felt it because God knows, this is a feeling that’s no stranger. This is the first time I’m going to blog about this because today, I realized I was only one in a crowd of hundreds that feel the same dread that I feel every single time. This is the first time I’m going to blog about this because today, I realized I wasn’t alone. Here’s to us; the unappreciated but loved all the same. Here’s to us who were never good enough, no matter how hard we’ve tried, no matter how much we’ve achieved, no matter how many times we’ve been looked up to. Here’s to us; the ones who were never good enough.

I have to accept that I’m going to be okay no matter what, that I’m going to be okay even if you didn’t care. I never got the chance to accept it though because I was too busy trying to meet your expectations that only got higher and higher. And like putting the cup on top of a cupboard that a dwarf, such as I, can never reach on her own, I’ve looked for ways to pull myself up instead. I’ve tried all sorts of things; ladders to climb upon, ropes to pull me up, escalators that would temporarily restrain me from thinking too much about it but nothing worked. Every time I’m about to hold and tug at your cup of care and expectations, I, instead of the teacup, shatter into glass pieces that can never be put together. I’m a broken soul and my life revolved around your expectations that I stopped thinking whether my opinion even mattered. It was all about you and what you wanted me to be, never about me and who I really am. My achievements were your disappointments that I questioned even the core of my skills and abilities. My thought of thyself being such a failure rooted from those. I’ll never be able to get over that. If somebody asked me now why I was a pessimist, I would point all my fingers to you, not that I blame you though. And truth be told, there’s a part of me that hates you for that. A part of me hates you for tearing an innocent part of my soul, causing a deep black hole that continuously swallows every inch and millimeter of my pride and self belief. If there’s one thing I’ll never forget about you, it’s that. But I guess it resulted to a good thing if I, indeed, am now a good thing.

My teacher once asked why we remove our medals just as we get off stage when we should be proud of them. I never knew the real answer until now. Maybe I stopped being proud of my achievements when I realized that who they were really for didn’t care. Thank you for making me stop believing that I was the best, for letting me know that everything I did was just okay, and not above average; that instead of making me feel like I’m the best kid you could have, you made me feel like a commoner even with all those awards on my neck. Thank you for always putting my feet on the ground and reminding me that what I had was always a step below from another. I know that when you said that, it only means I will only have a hundred steps to climb upon and get better, that there was always space for enhancement. But when you’re too busy climbing for somebody else and not for yourself, it becomes forced. And when it’s forced, you tend to get tired easily. Sorry to say, but I’m exactly that; I’m tired. When you were watching from above, seeing the little kid climbing the steps higher one by one, you forgot to ask me who I really was in the picture. If I was the kid looking up the stairs she has to climb upon or the one looking down. Because honestly, I feel like I’m the one looking down. Not because I’m already at the top but because I feel like I’m just looking down on myself and taking pity on that kid who’s trying too hard. They say achievements are for yourself. But why was I doing it for somebody else? Why was I doing it for you?

When I finally am good enough for your standards, please be the one to remind me that I’m actually someone’s daughter. Someday, I hope, I’ll believe in myself. Someday, I won’t have to look at you anymore if I receive an award. I won’t have to look for that non existing approval on your face that I’ve always wanted to have more than any award I could get. Someday, you’ll be proud of me. If you aren’t, well, okay then. Someday, it won’t matter to me anymore. For now, let me resort my frustrations to lazy comebacks and senseless, long blog posts.